Wondering notes

 I know I just posted the last post, but I started writing it a week ago and now most of those fears are unfounded.  I underwent laparoscopic surgery on Tuesday, as planned. After the surgery, my heart rate was elevated, sitting at around 110bpm even though I wasn't doing anything.  My surgeon, who is amazing, decided I should spend the night, just in case. Sort of a 'better safe than sorry' situation. So, I spent the night. My face was tingly, my heart rate elevated some, I didn't really sleep, but I did manage to figure out what happened. I told my mom that I was spending the night and explained my symptoms to her. She said, 'Did they give you morphine? I'm allergic to that.' Hmmm. Not something she mentioned when I asked for the family medical history, but whatever. None of the nurses had mentioned giving me morphine. However, on a hunch, I asked the night nurse if there was possibly morphine given to me during the surgery (when I was knocked out). Turns ...

 So, I'm having surgery on Tuesday (Today is Friday, so that's four days from writing this). It's a laparoscopic surgery to find out if I have endometriosis, or PCOS or what the fuck is going on in my body. A good thing. I'm so fucking stressed about it though. I'm worried they won't find anything, I'm worried they will find something and it'll be real bad, I'm just straight up worried. 

Saw a new doctor last Thursday. Now I'm scheduled for laparoscopic surgery in a few weeks to see if they can figure out what's going on. My baby sister had a seizure. It breaks my heart that I'm not there with them, that I can't be there with them. They don't know what caused it exactly and the last update from  my mom was that they will be transferring her to a bigger hospital if she doesn't stop hallucinating. I'm so fucking worried about her. I've  made progress with the parenting situation, though it's still not exactly perfect. My husband knows how I feel now, at least, which is a good thing.  I feel like I'm running in circles, like nothing I do matters. Maybe that's the new meds talking, maybe it's the reduced dose of my old meds. My therapist isn't great, she lets me lead the conversation and decide what we talk about, which means we don't talk about the big, uncomfortable stuff. Gordon Korman is a great author, his older ...

 I just learned something interesting. May is BPD awareness month. Hooray. I'm definitely aware of it, that's for sure.  Been feeling empty lately. My hobby cycle seems to have shifted from my cross stitch to playing video games, which is both good and bad. Bad because my cross stitch isn't finished, good because it's a lot more portable this time.  I've applied for jobs, made it to the second round of one even, but I just can't bring myself to care. Nothing feels important anymore. My passion is gone and that's terrifying.  Bright side, it'll probably come back. It did last time this happened, but less. It's starting to feel like the lows are getting lower and longer and the highs are shorter and not as high. Like I said, terrifying. Another fun fact lies in the suicide stats for people with BPD. 70% of people suffering from BPD attempt and 10% succeed. That's higher than any rate for anyone, with or without different psychiatric disorders. Not ...

 Turns out, if I don't write for a few weeks, no one gets mad at me. Like I said, I know the bitch setting the rules and she's a total pushover. Anyway, I've had an eventful few weeks. The brother that ran away is now in the hospital, first on suicide watch, now on some sort of psychiatric hold. My parents have decided that he is not coming back, apparently realizing the toll that dealing with him had been taking on the entire family. I've decided to 3D print an army of tiny magnetic aliens to put around the house and torment my husband with, so that should be fun.  It's getting warmer in Kansas, but there are still storms, three in the last week or so. A big concern is large hail, which is wild because where I come from the hail is never bigger than a BB. Also, I just spent way too much money on Gordon Korman books, because I love them and they are so funny and I love reading them. I'm aware that I am slipping back into the loop of 'buy things to feel happy...

 Hey! Back again. Almost forgot, but you've gotta give me a break on this one. I just got six teeth pulled, three wisdom, three molars, and two implants started. I say started, because an implant consists of two parts, the base that is basically a screw that goes in your bone and the top part. I got the  bases screwed in on Wednesday last week. Anyway, things are happening. I've got this brother, he's like 15 or something now, and he's got bipolar, among other things. Every year around this time, he takes off and there's a bit of a buzz around him leaving until he's found. At this point, he's done it so often that it's basically old news in my family, and there's such a network of people who know to keep an eye out for him my parents usually know where he is and what he's doing within a few hours of him leaving. I know, awful that this doesn't incite more panic in the family, but you need to understand some things about this brother. He runs ...